Yes I have the Jill Scott (or Glee) song stuck in my head. Honestly it’s become the first thing that pops in my head when other people start judging my situation.
In reality, I’m gon’ be who I be
And I don’t feel no faults for all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may, break me down when I say
That it ain’t up to you, gonna do whatcha do
Hate on me, hater, now or later
Cause I’m gonna do me, you’ll be mad, baby
Go ‘head and hate on me, hater, I’m not afraid of
What I got, I paid for, you can hate on me
It was another hot, sunny and humid day yesterday. Unlike most of you, I had to work and because it was memorial day there was a day baseball game. The four TV stations usually sit in the handicap row behind home plate. Usually that’s a perfectly fine spot, but yesterday it was in the sun and would be the entire 3 hour game. I learned the hard way last week that staying in the sun all day would make me extremely tired and even with sunscreen my heat/sun rash would probably come back (and that’s just not attractive for television). I spent about 5 minutes in my normal spot before I moved up to the top row, right under the press box, in the shade. No one was sitting in my row or right in front of me so I figured I’d be fine.
I was great. I stayed in the shade and could go inside to the AC in between innings. I spotted our usual lunch/dinner vendor taking the other reporters orders so I sent a text to one of them asking if they could tell her I was up top. Do you know how gut wrenching it is to watch someone read your text outloud to other people and then proceed to watch them make fun of you? It’s horrible. The waitress then tells me when she’s taking my order that the guys said to her “Kristin is sitting somewhere else so she shouldn’t get lunch.” Wow nice guys! I’ve done plenty of favors for those guys since I’ve been here and I don’t talk bad about them to the others like they do. (Honestly I think they might be like high school girls!) It hurt to know that because I was sitting in the shade they were making fun of me.
I may sound like a whining baby. That may be your judgement of me. But, to be judged for doing something for my health is hurtful. It’s hard when people don’t understand why I have to do certain things. Why I sit in the shade, why I may not film every inning, why on a bad day I chose to run shorter highlights so I don’t have to stand with a camera on my shoulder for as long. I know I’m 24 and I shouldn’t care what ignorant people think, especially when they have no clue what’s going on. But it still hurts. It hurts to be seen as weak and lazy, when I know that what I’ve been through and what I continue to do on a daily basis has made me stronger than any of them. I know my limits, I know what I’m capable of, I know that I am strong and courageous. But, for that minute, when you’re being judged for being sick, all those strong feelings suddenly disappear. And I just have to sing Jill Scott’s song until those strong feelings come back again.